Learning at the Speed of Fear

The request came in August 2001, a month before September 11th.  The coming October, would I please give a keynote address about making one’s professional life fun.  In the aftershock of the terrorist attacks, my hosts hastily called back to say that perhaps a different topic would be better suited to the nation’s mood.  I said actually I was feeling just the opposite, since, in my experience, what it takes to have fun is precisely what it takes to handle a profound emotional upheaval.  

Fun (as I know it) is the ability to influence our environment, to shape the circumstances in which we find ourselves.  If we cannot do that, life is anything but enjoyable.  And the most significant influence we can have—the only meaningful influence, really—is the extent to which we can manage ourselves.  The more we are able to manage us, and therefore the more resilience and peace we bring to our moments, the more options we have in our interactions with the world.  And options are the lifeblood of fun. 

If, for instance, we feel overwhelmed by another’s anger, we may feel we have no options other than enduring, running, or attacking—none of which fall into the fun zone. 

But if, in the presence of another’s anger, we are able to become energetically big enough so that the person’s fear (for that’s what anger is, underneath), as well as our own, washes through us—then we experience the kind of joy that comes from being present, pliant and loving regardless of the external circumstance.  That joy, curiously enough, is the biggest gift we can offer another human being.

Basically then, fun is the direct result of managing fear. 

And here, wouldn’t you know, is where things get a little sticky. 

Fear may be the most offensive four-letter word in American business.  It can be easier to admit our predilection for naked bowling than to admit we’re afraid.  Somehow we have this belief that fear is bad, weak, disgusting, inappropriate, unmanly, whatever.  Even some consultants who say they help organizations manage fear use language like “driving fear from the workplace.”  Sadly, that language itself is fear-driven.  We see fear as an enemy, something to be destroyed, which actually makes us puppets of fear.  It is ironic, though hardly amusing, that we have a hostile relationship with what is perhaps the most pervasive influence in our life. 

But it won’t always be this way.  Here are some basics about fear that we are beginning to appreciate:

Fear is an everyday, ordinary part of us—very much like our height, weight, flat feet, beautiful nose and addiction to chocolate.  In other words, fear is human, and therefore sacred.  It exists to serve us.  It is not the bogeyman.

Fear is one of the greatest teachers on earth, up there with Jesus and Buddha, because in every moment fear shows us what we must address in order to be who we really are: a being of kindness.  That’s why fear is known as the golden key that unlocks the heart.  My fantasy is that a few thousand years from now, when we humans are a bit more spiritually grown-up, we will actually celebrate a national holiday of fear, kind of like Valentine’s Day.  Or maybe that’s what Halloween will become: A reminder to be aware of all the masks we wear in life because we fear being ourselves.

Our honoring of fear will emerge as we learn how fear unmanaged acts as a governor, limiting our ability to embrace the vastness of who we are.  To the extent that we choose not to move through fear, to continually let it flow from us rather than hold on to it, that is the extent to which we choose to be imprisoned by our ignorance, our beliefs, our preferences, our habits, our rules, our addictions—and all the other constructs of the ego. 

Love, we are discovering, is much more than an emotion.  It is also an action.  And the action is letting go of fear.  Love blossoms as fear is released—and not released harshly as if we are expelling some demon, but released lovingly, with gratitude for all that the fear has taught us.  That’s about all there is to being a healthy human being: Recognize fear, feel it, let it go, then attune ourselves ever more deeply to the love that fear has masked, the love that has always burned within us. 

Courage, we find, is not the opposite of fear.  Courage is the practice of learning at the speed of fear, meeting fear instantly, with open arms and an open heart. 

In a book I cannot recall is the sentence: God comes when the vessel is empty.  We don’t have to believe in a Higher Power to experience the truth of this sentiment.  As we allow fear to flow through us, the inevitable result is greater pliancy and resilience.  And with pliancy and resilience comes joy—another name for fun.

Comments

[amy lenzo]

This is such a powerful lesson, Steve.

I got here through your wonderful post on communication: How to Communicate Well , about the importance of being yourself - so simple and yet just that profound.

I made a note of it to send to several of my clients because this is something I come up against again and again - people thinking they somehow have to be someone else (someone smarter or more "professional" or slick) to attract business.

They don't realize how much more powerful they are as their own authentic selves and that they have to let go of some potential clients in order to receive the ones that they really want - the ones that want what they actually have to offer.

Both of these articles, these pieces of your mind or "two cents", speak powerfully to me personally as well as being useful with my clients, and I really appreciate that you've shared this wisdom with us here. You are a generous man, Mr Roberts.